Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
