This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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