so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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