My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
