i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
