Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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