i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
