So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
