sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
