She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
