I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
