I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
