Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
