I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
