I wish I only lived at night.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
