Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
