I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
