Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
