Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
