Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
