my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
