Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
