we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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