i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
