god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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