It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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