saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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