She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
