Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
