I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
