Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
