I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My penis needs a shock collar
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
