I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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