someone threw a dead crab at me
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
