why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
