He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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