cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
