You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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