And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
