lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
