You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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