theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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