Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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