I just saw a hot homeless man
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
