yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
