Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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