pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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