She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I cut my penus on the lid.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
