you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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