Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
