I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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