Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
